STRUGGLE LOVE IS NOT REAL
“I gave him everything, and he still left!”
That’s what I said to myself as I blasted Adele’s “21” album, and journaled. (Side note- can you believe it’s been ten years since that album came out?) I had just ended a four-year relationship with a man I thought I loved, and I thought I would marry. We went through so much together — being long distance for awhile, him not being sure about how he felt about me, him being verbally abusive and gaslighting me…
As I went through therapy and healed from this relationship, I realized something. He and I did not have love. We had “struggle love.”
What’s struggle love? Struggle love is a relationship in which one person experiences long-term anxiety and stress as the result of the other person’s behavior. It’s the idea that a woman should lower her standards and settle for someone because he likes her, and he has “potential,” even if the relationship is actively harming her.
Too many women fall into this trap. And there are host of reasons why. As a girl, you may have grown up around a mother, or aunts or cousins who were in struggle love relationships, so now you think it’s “normal.” Maybe you’ve always been a people pleaser, and you are used to overlooking people’s faults, and doing whatever you can to get people’s attention by making them happy. If you are an independent and high-achieving woman, then you are especially prone to struggle relationships. You are used to taking on challenges, so you might see a man with “potential,” and think you can change him or fix him. You have been successful in every other area of your life, so of course, this will be successful, too. The problem? There is absolutely nothing you can do to change another person. The person will only change when and if he or she is ready to.
You are a caring and kind individual. You see the best in others, and you want them to see it, too. You think if you help them, they will level up their lives, treat you better, and be grateful for your help.
Here’s what will actually happen. When you allow people to walk all over your boundaries, they will continue to walk over your boundaries. You haven’t shown love; you’ve shown what you are willing to tolerate. This person will then either a) resist growing and resent you for pushing them, or b) improve their life, their finances, their health, their career — so they can attract another partner. There is no such thing as struggle love. “Struggle love” is manipulation and abuse.
I don’t see these things to discourage you. You can and should continue to be a loving and kind person. But you also need to be a person with boundaries and dealbreakers. You need to understand that some people are perfectly happy with their low standard of life, and they want you to come in and fix it. You need to understand that some people are committed to being misunderstood, to causing chaos, and to making sure that other people in their lives have no peace, either. You also need to understand that there are plenty of amazing people in this world, including amazing men who are single. But you cannot attract healthy relationships if you are still holding on to brokenness and low standards. When you decide you only have room for healthy love, you will attract more of it.
Resources You Should Check Out:
Book: “Attached” by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
